


Over and Over

by Angelicat2



Series: Don't Let Go [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Bad Ending, Blood, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt No Comfort, Keith (Voltron) Whump, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Other, Post-Canon, Season/Series 08, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, but the next fic in the series will be better and happier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 19:44:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelicat2/pseuds/Angelicat2
Summary: The Galra store up so much emotion in themselves, sometimes choosing one mate for life. Keith has unknowingly chosen Shiro, but the other doesn't notice it as he gets married to someone else.





	Over and Over

**Author's Note:**

> Fic based on the song Over and Over by Three Days Grace. I thought it could match post-s8 for Keith in this fic. Also, this fic is heavy. Like...no happiness anywhere heavy.

_Should have abandoned you just like your parents did! Neither of us are leaving!_

Keith woke with a gasp on his lips and fire on his cheek. Shiro’s name was on the tip of his lips, ready to be called out. 

But Shiro wasn’t here. Keith was in his own room. In his room on board the Atlas...far from Shiro’s over in the captain’s quarters. 

It was like Shiro purposely put the paladins as far away from his room as possible. Keith was feeling that distance now as he struggled to catch his breath, hyperventilating. Unable to get the voice out of his head, Keith shuffled out of bed, dressed in his normal grey t-shirt and black pants. 

Maybe if he talked to Shiro, it would help.

The nightmares were getting worse. Now, they were happening every night, so bad that Keith sometimes woke screaming, trying to fight off an invisible force that wasn’t there. He had scared the others quite badly on one of those times, as they came rushing into his room looking for an attacker only to see him sprawled out on the floor, writhing in imagined pain and unable to get out of his head. When he awoke, his mom had crowded into his space, hugging him near as he sobbed silently. The others gave him worried looks, knowing that said nightmares weren’t lightening up any, even though it had been over a year. If anything, they were getting heavier and _worse_ as time went on.

Shiro…

Well, he never showed up.

Keith pushed to his feet, brushing his hands through his hair. Wandering down the halls of the Atlas did calm him slightly, but Shiro’s...the clone’s voice was still echoing around his head, taunting him. 

_“You’re broken, worthless…”_

Keith didn’t used to believe that. Not when he had the one person in his life who never ever give up on him. Shiro had told him time and time again that he was never broken. Never worthless. That he was wanted, and that Shiro would always be there for him. He learned from his mom that it was true. He had been wanted, but circumstances changed things. It wasn't her fault she left nor was it his.

But it didn’t feel like Shiro was there for him anymore. The man...his best friend had been distant ever since he came back to life in the clone’s body. When he had stated that he wanted to go to the Green Lion, it had made sense. He needed the distance. Keith could handle letting Shiro have room to breathe. He could let that happen without panicking that Shiro might disappear again if his eyes weren't constantly watching the other. 

Turning the corner, he could see the older’s back. The silver grey hair caught his attention right away, and no one else looked that good in that black tight outfit. About to go up to the man, Keith froze when he heard someone laugh.

Someone was in front of Shiro. One of the crew people Keith could not remember the name of right then. The man was grinning at Shiro, a sparkle in his eyes. And Shiro…

Shiro laughed back, like...how he had always laughed with Keith, only with Keith, back when they used to hoverbike race. Back when they hung out like friends did. Back when Shiro cared about Keith as something more than just a coworker.

“I was wondering,” the man stopped for a second before smiling softer, “If you wanted to go out on a date sometime? I know we’re in the middle of a war, but you seem like you need a break.”

Keith blanked out. 

A date? Shiro was just dealing with Adam’s death, which is why Keith hadn’t pushed to ask. He wouldn’t do that to the older. The other man had been an important part of Shiro’s life, even if they broke it off a few months before that fateful mission to Kerberos. Shiro was busy, and he was needed. He always insisted that he never had time for things like that. Shiro would turn him down, no doubt.

“I’d…” Shiro paused for a moment before his robotic arm rested on the other man’s arm, “I’d like that. I can probably find time in my schedule.”

Keith’s heart physically broke. What...any time Keith had asked if they could hang out, Shiro had avoided looking at him and said he was too busy. He had insisted time and time again that he didn’t have time for anything besides paperwork and captaining. Keith swallowed back the bile in his throat before he quickly rushed off. 

Shiro...why didn’t he just say it to Keith’s face! If he didn’t want Keith around anymore, he could have just said it. Keith swallowed again as he tore down the halls. Tears collected in his eyes, and he harshly swiped them away with his fingerless gloves, the very ones he had gotten from Shiro years ago, before this whole mess began. If Shiro didn’t care about Keith anymore...if they weren’t friends anymore, why didn’t he just say something! He never talked to Keith anymore unless for a Voltron-related thing. He no longer hugged Keith. He no longer gave him shoulder touches.

He never even looked at him anymore.

Keith rushed into his room, locking it behind him as he slid down to the floor. His breath was tight in his chest as his heart pounded wildly, devastating depression crashing into him like a rocky wave of lava. Before he could cry out loud and alert the others to his feelings, Keith bit into the flesh of his wrist. Before he was aware of it, his sharper Galra teeth sank into his skin, stinging brightly.

It grounded him. Keith stayed that way for almost half an hour before he figured it was okay to stop. His eyes hurt from crying, the lights too bright. Keith pulled his wrist back from his face, seeing a perfect set of bleeding teeth marks. Red poured out of pale skin as Keith clenched the appendage to his chest.

His chest still hurt like someone was squeezing it. His throat was tight. He wanted to pull his hair out with the pain.

Fuck, this is what his mom must have been saying about Galra chosing their mates. About how their side ran high on emotions. It was like Kerberos and the battle with Zarkon all over again. He was drowning in emotions he couldn’t deal with, emotions he had no hope of dealing with. But it was worse now. Shiro was near and alive, but he was dead at the same time. It burned more than Keith figured. Shiro clearly...Shiro didn’t love him. Not...not as Keith had hoped. Apparently, he didn’t even care.

Dragging himself to his bed, Keith collapsed onto the surface, letting himself curl up under the blanket. If he could, he would be happy to not wake up in the morning. Maybe he could go back before all of this. Before the clone. Before Voltron. Before Kerberos.

Back to when he actually had his best friend. Sure, he hadn’t quite realized that his crush was actually love...but Shiro had actually been there for him. Shiro had let him talk to him about anything. 

Not like now.

Keith choked back another sob as he pressed his wrist to his blanket. 

The pain helped. It made his mind focus on other things other than the fact that his best friend was slipping through his fingers, and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Keith cried himself to sleep a few hours later.

…..

“Please,” his mom had practically begged, “Don’t go to the wedding, Keith. It’ll only make you feel worse. Please.”

Make him feel worse? Keith wanted to laugh bitterly. There was nothing worse than what he was already feeling. 

They had let Allura die. They hadn’t even told her that they’d stay by her side. Some friends...some friend he was. Now they had split ways as if they didn’t even know each other. Keith was working in the Blade as a humanitarian, far from Earth. 

Shiro…

Shiro was getting married today. To Curtis. 

Keith’s chest was tighter than it had ever been. The man he loved more than life and the universe itself was getting married as if it were the happiest day in the world. As if Shiro hadn’t turned in his resignation days ago. As if he didn’t care that Keith’s heart was tearing viciously into bits, unsalvageable to be fixed. 

Keith bit harder into his wrist, over the other sharp scars littering his flesh there in the year since they had supposedly won the war. Blood poured from the wound, a set of deep puncture marks on his skin. He had never noticed it before, but his fangs weren’t the normal set, but instead had two sharp canines in place for where his normal ones were when fully human. That meant more area to break open, more pain to flow away through physical wounds. Keith dragged the fangs over his wrist, leaving blood to pool and flow free. It felt better than what he had been feeling. 

After probably an hour of that, Keith grabbed a towel and pressed it on the soaked wounds. Both wrists were marked up, red and irritated. The blood gathered onto the towel, absorbing into the fibers that dug into his overly sensitive flesh.

He had an hour before the wedding, and they couldn’t be bleeding by then. The suits were white, so hiding it wasn’t going to work if it stained into the suit’s sleeves. After nearly half an hour more, they finally stopped. It worried Keith a little bit, since he had never dug as deeply as he had now. His head was a little dizzy as he stood, but he put that to the fact that he had been sitting for so long. Staring at himself in the mirror, he tried to convince himself that his face wasn’t pale. That there weren't any tears in his exhausted, hurt eyes. That he didn’t have dark bags under his lashes. Wiping them away, Keith got ready for the wedding.

…..

The wedding was beautiful. 

Everything was white. It took place right in the desert. There were all kinds of guests there. Keith had stared at Shiro the whole time though. The older was...he was stunning. His silvery hair was gently blowing about his face as his grey eyes shone with happiness. His white suit fit perfectly, showing off those strong shoulders and muscled body. Keith wished he could have hugged the other in his arms and told him how beautiful he looked.

And then the wedding happened. Keith’s heart tore slowly as each second passed. By the time they kissed, Keith was itching to race away and bury teeth into soft flesh. His heart was beating so loudly in his chest that he couldn’t hear anything over that. His throat was sealed shut from all the emotions...negative emotions bursting in his body. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look away from it.

_“You don’t have to fight anymore…”_

Keith closed his eyes, overwhelmed by everything as the clone’s voice thrummed in his head, just his latest nightmare last night. The barely crusted cuts burned, begging for a new layer to be ripped open. Keith huffed quietly, trying to ignore the feeling as the couple went to the cake nearby, laughing as if they had no care in the universe. Keith watched as Shiro cut a piece of it, getting Curtis the first bite. The two laughed again as someone nearby said something to them, raising a glass of champagne to them. 

Keith should get going. He was going to regret it big time, but he needed to say bye to Shiro...if the man even would look at him. He probably didn’t have time for him anyway.

Hadn’t for almost three years now. 

“Hey,” a voice interrupted him as he turned to see Hunk, Pidge, and Lance by him, “Man, where you been? We’ve missed you, dude.”

“Missions,” Keith croaked before he gazed forward again. The others were probably sharing concerned looks. They no doubt knew about Keith’s feelings towards Shiro. It seemed like everyone knew but Shiro, “I’m about to leave. Got stuff to do.”

“Wait...you’re not staying to dance once with Shiro?” Pidge asked as Keith kept his eyes on the two, "We know how this hurts, but I'm sure Shiro will be happy to-"

"No," Keith almost sighed, but instead gently grabbed his left wrist tightly, pain helping lessen emotional pain, "I...I'm not coming back to Earth again."

"What!" Hunk frowned as he grabbed Keith by the shoulders, "What do you mean? Like...not at all!?"

"There's no reason for me to come back," Keith stated with a dead feeling in his heart, "Earth was…will never be home."

Not without Shiro. Shiro was his reason to be here. Everything else that mattered was in space. His wolf, his mom, the Blade. The others...they weren't even friends. 

_"Are we even friends!?!"_

Keith remembered shouting that while suspended in the middle of space for what could have been days. They weren't friends. 

Friends didn't let each other die. Friends didn't go their own directions like this. Friends didn't just stop talking to each other suddenly as if they wanted nothing to do with them.

Keith met Shiro's eyes. Before he could enjoy the sight of those grey eyes, they shot away from him, clearly avoiding him. Keith's chest broke as tears raced to his eyes. Shivering despite the warmth of the sun above him, Keith turned to leave. He had clearly overstayed. Shiro was having a good day, and Keith was ruining it with his presence. He ignored any calls or shouts from anyone as he rushed away.

Barely into his ship, Keith flung the suit off before taking off in his ship, racing away to no specific point. Waves crashed over him, and he desperately wished it was the Blue Lion again. At least when Kerberos happened, Shiro had been dead. 

He didn't wait long before setting autopilot and shedding the rest of the clothes. It felt wrong getting them dirty. Keith snapped teeth into flesh, ripping into it like never before. He sank his teeth in and dragged them all the way up to his elbows multiple times. Tears streamed down his face to mix with the pouring blood. 

He was tired. 

Everything fucking hurt.

Nothing made sense. 

If he dug too deep, who would care? Everyone had their lives. Keith was chasing after a man who no longer wanted him. If he took a whole day to clean up the blood and get in touch with the Blade, who would notice? If he just took his ship and drifted off into the deepest part of space, who would even want to check up on him? If he didn't eat or drink much water for weeks on end, who was there to reprimand him? If he stayed in bed some days in a daze while rubbing both the scars on his face and wrists, who was around to see it? If the nightmares got so terrible that he no longer slept for more than an hour every night, who would know it?

…..

Keith had a plan.

He had asked...requested two weeks off from the Blade. He had been working nonstop for years now. Kolivan and Krolia gave it to him almost as soon as the words came out of his mouth. His mom...she seemed worried, but Keith ignored it. He didn't have to worry her for too much longer. 

His space wolf, he had spent the day with. He had lathered the creature with lots of hugs and pets. He seemed to love it, sticking his tail out and waving it rapidly. Sometimes small 'borks' and 'woofs' would leave his throat. But none of it made Keith happy. He tried, but the wolf probably sensed it. So he took them down to a planet, kind of like the one they had stayed with on the space whale. His wolf...Kosmo seemed to like it, rushing around and teleporting about almost faster than Keith could see. Before long, the large wolf brought him a stick, looking at him with the saddest eyes he had ever seen on him. Keith got the idea, grabbing up the stick and tossing it. Kosmo fetched it, making Keith laugh for a moment, for the first time in years. It didn't do much to cheer him up, but he was happy the wolf seemed to understand. A last parting gift.

At the end of the day, he had sent his wolf back. He was hesitant to go, but Keith had told him that his mom would need him more. The creature seemed to agree because he was gone in one last poof, after licking Keith's face. After that, Keith typed up some messages to the people in his life who would no doubt hate him for this. He couldn't put it into a recording...not like what they had done with the Voltron vlogs. Keith didn't really want his last memory to be of him talking on a screen, looking worse than death. He had lost weight and his skin was pale white now. The bags under his eyes only got deeper and his Galra side was always out now, teeth sharper and longer than ever, eyes yellow with little slit orbs. His hair was pretty much uncared for, long enough to be braided, but the ends were split and the hair matted.

Keith made a letter for each person. For Pidge. For Lance. For Hunk. For Matt. For Kolivan. For Romelle. For his mother. Hell, in his moment of pain, he made one for Allura too, thrown in with the rest, all color-coded. He wasn't usually so caring about that, but he did this time. It would matter.

And for Shiro...for Shiro, he wrote everything. He wrote about the pain he never told about. He wrote about how it made sense that Shiro pulled away. And that Keith crashed right after that, like a meteor back to Earth. Like a wilting rose torn from the sun. He told him about the Galra mating process, and how his own heart was more Galra than human. That he had chosen Shiro for life, and that he didn't regret any of it. That he was happy that Shiro had stayed with him as long as he did. That he hoped that Shiro was truly genuinely happy with Curtis. That he was thrilled that Shiro could live his life, disease-free and mostly unburdened. 

Keith's last lines in the letter were the ones he used with the clone. Ones he still meant with all of his heart.

_I love you._

Stashing them onto the bed where anyone would find them, he took off into deep space. He disabled his comms. system, making sure that even Pidge couldn't hack into it and open it. Keith also placed his senior Blade sash off on the bed along with his knife that they had somehow found on the lava planet he had almost died on years ago when Allura was alive. He kept his regular Blade suit on, but took the sleeves off. 

Going to his shower, he turned on the water, sitting under it. The warm spray did nothing to heat him up as he hugged his legs. Memories came back. Of his pops. The home. The Garrison. Shiro. The team. The Blade. His mom. The whale. Voltron. Allura. 

Keith dug his fangs in, uncaring of the pain blossoming in his arm. Going down as far as he could, he dug sideways through flesh. It burned as tears gathered in his eyes, but he ignored them too. His Blade suit was waterproof, keeping him dry. Only his hair and arms were getting wet, scarlet washing down the drain like a red waterfall. Digging on for what was probably half an hour, Keith let out a tiny sob before switching to his other arm. Cutting that one open too for the same amount of time, Keith panted as he began feeling dizzy. The water was beginning to feel cold, so Keith somehow turned it off. Falling back onto his ass, he watched as his blood continued to run down the drain. It looked like something had mauled his arms, tearing them into raw meat patches. Keith couldn't even find the strength to laugh as he stared at it. By now, he was too weak to do anything but rest his head back against his shower wall. 

He was tired.

Everything fucking hurt. 

Nothing made sense. 

The pain was ebbing away. He no longer felt heartbroken. He no longer felt anything. At this point, he wasn't even shivering. Everything tilted dark on the edges of his vision. He could feel his eyes slipping shut with exhaustion. 

_"Just let go, Keith,"_ the voice rumbled around in his head as he took a shaky breath out, _"You don't have to fight anymore."_

And Keith didn't. 

He let go.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are worried, this isn't the end. A certain someone shows up in the next fic to help Keith get back up to health.


End file.
